Two nights ago I couldn’t sleep well, but I had a reason. The following day (Wed) I needed to make my yearly pilgrimage to my neurosurgeon's office. Last year’s MRI showed that my tumor was growing again. It has been four years since my previous brain surgery and this year’s review was key. By taking measurements every year, one can predict the rate of growth of the tumor, so this year’s analysis was crucial.
The night before, I was restless. I kept thinking of the what ifs. I am a big proponent of changing your attitude and not worrying about what you can’t control. However, the reality is that that approach, useful most of the time, is not bulletproof. I was worried, and I kept worrying for a long time that night.
I realize that not worrying about my upcoming visit was practically impossible. I was trying very hard not to think about it. I kept thinking; I can’t control the fact that I have a tumor in my head nor how it is growing, but I can defiantly control how do I react to it. My approach was simple; I was trying really hard not to think about it and fill in the gap with other things. But it was there, and I couldn’t shake it.
Then I started thinking of tumor itself, the previous surgeries, the hard times I endured, the complications. And also about the growth I have experienced because of it and all the positive things that had happened in my life since I was first diagnosed. I was telling myself my own story and the more I thought about it, the more I realized how blessed I have been. And between those thoughts, I fell asleep.
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The Next morning I went to the hospital to get my MRI done and meet with my doctor, my attitude was; not matter what, I can handle this. Happy to report that I have been given one more year until the next visit. The tumor seems to be under control. There was a little growth detected but, the doctor said that it is so small that the difference might be an artifact of the angle of the picture or something along those lines. He stated that the tumor seems to be exactly as it was a year ago. Those were great news for me and today I am jubilant.
I was worrying about the outcome of the doctor's visit. I was exclusively focusing on the potential adverse outcomes. When I started thinking about my experience and how I had survived and thrived dealing with the tumor, I was able to find peace and fall asleep. It reminds me of the technique, of fighting fire with fire.
Next time something is worrying you so much you cannot shake it, think of all possible outcomes but emphasize on the positive ones. Fight fire with fire.
Now, where are my trail running shoes?
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