Sometimes we think we want something so bad, but we can't articulate exactly what it is. We might set our goals on a dream job, a great house, or the perfect partner. But we don't really know exactly why we want these things, or how our lives will be different once we have them. The challenge is to find clarity, and in order to do that, you have to ask intelligently. To become completely fulfilled and get what you want, there must be specificity in all of your goals. When you have clarity in your goals—when you know exactly what you want and why you want it—you will find a way to reach them.
Take me for example: After I got divorced, I was hurt and disappointed, and I promised myself I would never get married again. It took me a few years to recover from that experience and feel like I was ready to share my life with someone again. I was excited about meeting someone new, but also cautious. This second time around, I decided I wanted to do things differently. With my first marriage, I fell head-over-heels with a beautiful woman. It was all passion and romance, but I still ended up marrying the wrong person. This time, I wanted to make sure I didn't make the same mistake. And the way to do that was to find clarity in my goal.
The first step I took was to find out who I was—to define my core values, if you will. My core values consisted of those qualities
that were most important to me. I decided that I wasn't going to compromise these values for anybody in the world, and that if I were truly going to find someone I wanted to spend my life with, they would need to have the same core values. Defining my core values gave me a way to screen 'candidates', a way to find the right person before I let my heart fall in love. It might seem like I was setting an impossible goal, but I was looking for a perfect fit.
So I found clarity by defining the qualities that were most important to me, and here is what I came up with:
Education: Education in the sense of having an open mind, tolerance and, most importantly, culture and love of the arts. Note that I said education, and education can come from any place, not necessarily school. That is very important to me.
Financial and Emotional Intelligence: A rare combination, but I figured that if I have it, somebody else out there must have it too. My mantra was, "I want a partner that doesn't need me financially or emotionally, but wants to be with me." That is very important to me.
Children: I come from a very tight family and I want to be a dad, so the perfect person for me must want to have children as well. Now, I made an important distinction here: I don't have to father the children in the biological order cialis online sense; I am open to adoption or even the role of a stepfather. That is important to me.
Fitness and Health: I consider myself an endurance junkie. I exercise and take care of my body in a way that many would call obsessive. Obsessive is definitely not the word I would use, since obsessions tend to be unhealthy. I call it my passion; I am passionate about health, endurance sports, and happiness. That is very important to me.
Drama Free: Life should be drama free. And what is drama? It's making a big deal over something. The way I see it, drama increases stress, ruins relationships, and eats away at that one precious commodity none of us can afford to waste: time. And most importantly, it goes right into your heart and erodes the positive thoughts that you have cultivated. In short, it complicates your life.
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With that, I had my core values—my job competencies if you will. But I couldn't exactly ask for a resume or a letter of introduction. Instead, I did the next best thing: I went online and signed up for an internet dating site.
As it happened, I also belonged to a running group at the time. During one of our evening runs, I met a woman. She and I became friends, and after some time, I realized she had the five core values I was looking for. I hadn't been searching for them in her, but there they were. That fact alone was attractive to me, but she was also beautiful (an added bonus). She and I went out a few times, and soon after we started dating. We got married and are now expecting our first child. The relationship has been great, not least because she cares deeply about the things I care about.
Finding clarity was one of the most important things I ever did for my marriage and myself. It helped me define my core values, which led me to find this wonderful woman and to be able to love again.
This reminded me of a story Tony Robbins told during one of his talks. A man approached him on the street, obviously drunk, and asked him for a quarter. Tony thought about it and decided to ask the man a question: "Is that all you want is a quarter?" The drunk man responded that yes, that was all he wanted. Tony gave him what he'd asked for, but left him with a piece of advice: "Life will pay whatever price you ask of it." Tony's message was also about finding clarity. Know what you want, the reasons why you want it, and what your plan is for getting it. You can hear Tony tell his story in the short video at the end of this post.
Whatever your goals are, spend a little time making sure you understand what they are and why you want them. Find clarity in your goals and get from where you are to where you want to be.
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