I recently read a Harvard research paper having to do with the stress response in humans. We’ve talked about the stress response before, in our post “Why Can’t You Be More Like a Zebra.”  This particular paper highlighted the difference in the behavioral response to stress in men vs. women. The authors argued that, while the primary physiological response may be the same for men and women (fight-or-flight), the behavioral response in women was often something much more social and nurturing, which they referred to as “tend-and-befriend.” The paper was pretty long, and I didn’t get to read the entire piece, but the implications were fascinating.

Not long ago, I had the opportunity to witness an example of the distinct difference in behavior that the paper referred to. I was out for a run, cruising along some trail, enjoying the views, and taking it all in. When I go running, I like to imagine that I am a cheetah or a ninja, or some combination of both. I am fast and silent, since I don’t want to disrupt the peace that surrounds me.

On this particular day, I noticed a couple walking ahead of me on the trail. These lovebirds were holding hands, and, like me, they were enjoying the trail and their surroundings. I kept my pace, planning to jog past them. But as I got closer to them and they finally noticed me, something very peculiar happened. My ninja skills had masked the sound of my approach, so they hadn’t noticed me coming until I was upon them. In this particular situation, although it was funny, I got to see first-hand the effect fear has on us guys.

The guy didn’t think twice. Without even turning to see who or what I was, he took off running in a sprint that I am certain not even Usain Bolt would be able to match. The girl, on the other hand, tuned around to face me. She was obviously concerned about who I was, but she had a very determined look on her face. Once she realized it was just me, a harmless jogger, she relaxed. She looked at me, and then looked in the direction in which her escort had run off (he was no longer in sight), then she looked at me again. She shrugged her shoulders and said, “I guess somebody is afraid of you.” The guy came back a few seconds later, and he was so embarrassed that he’d taken off like he had.

This experience was living proof of the difference in behavioral response to stress in men and women. The girl must have been alarmed, but her first response wasn’t to run away, it was to assess the situation. In contrast, the guy’s body and nerves carried him away from perceived danger before he even had time to think about it.

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Many times, we allow ourselves to respond to situations in this way. When we’re afraid, we respond in the fight-or-flight fashion, either handling a situation with aggression or evading it entirely. I wish we could learn a thing or two from our female counterparts in this regard and, instead of always going with the knee-jerk response, take the time to calm down and respond rationally.

This response is not always triggered by a physical threat. Something as simple and as a threatening email can trigger it. A recent article on LinkedIn entitled “24-Hour Rule – Don’t send that message!” by Sarah Elkins, addressed this very scenario. Often times, when you receive an angry email, your initial response is one of aggression (the “fight” in fight-or-flight), and you immediately start typing an angry email in response. You send the email, feeling very good about yourself, only to wish you could retract it after some time has passed and the fog of anger has cleared. In situations like these, you are better off choosing flight until you’ve had time to compose yourself. Sleep on it; give yourself time to think about how you want to respond. You are guaranteed to return the next day with a clearer head and a more productive email.

It’s true that the stress response is physiological, and we may not have as much control over it as we would like—especially us guys. But I do believe that the fight-or-flight scenario can be controlled to a point. Sometimes just stepping away from the situation and giving ourselves time to think, as with the angry email, is enough to circumvent a response we will later regret. It takes practice, but we can get better at it.

In the case of the guy who removed himself from danger, leaving his female companion behind to fend for herself, I suppose we can let him off the hook. His response was biological, right? He couldn’t help it. Or could he? I wonder how I would have reacted in such a situation. How do you think you would react?

Skillfully edited by Tara May

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