Life, Expanded

Some of you may remember that, not too long ago, I told you my wife and I were expecting our first daughter. Well, fast forward until about a week ago, and I'm a dad. Leading up to the birth of my daughter, people kept telling me life would change with parenthood. Everyone wanted to prepare me for the sleepless nights, the lost free time, the shift in priorities. I thought I was as prepared as I could be; I was ready.

But what I've learned in this past week is that nobody can really prepare you to become a dad; you find out what it takes the day your wife goes into labor.

My wife spent a lot of time during her pregnancy devouring countless books on motherhood. I tried to do this too, but the few I saw on fatherhood tended to be written by men who thought they were funny. Then there were the online guides for first-time fathers that offered advice on what to expect during pregnancy and from life with a newborn. These were well-intentioned, but not hugely helpful to me. Nothing I read told me the truth about how I felt.

Because even though I was excited about welcoming a baby into our lives, I'll admit that there was a part of me that gloomily contemplated the changes I would have to make to my daily schedule. Mostly, I worried whether or not I'd be able to keep up with my long runs and bike rides. I knew that the heavy training I was accustomed to was probably a thing of the past (at least for the time being). All of my worrying made me think that one of the reasons pregnancy takes nine months must be to give the husband time to prepare; to settle their affairs and get ready for the changes ahead.

I also had a hard time getting used to the changes taking place to my wife's body. Of course, I knew what to expect, but it was shocking to watch her body transform over the course of nine months. I imagined it was more shocking to her, so I made sure to tell her she looked beautiful, which she did. Her body was growing and sustaining our baby girl, and that is truly amazing.

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When the time finally came for our baby to be born, all of our careful studying and preparation went out the window. We had prepared for a normal labor and childbirth, but my wife never went into labor. A week passed without any sign that the baby was ready to be born, so we scheduled an induction. As we drove to the hospital for the appointment, we both felt happy and anxious. The time had finally generic levitra australia come. But as it turned out, even though my wife hadn't felt any contractions, she was having them, and they were causing our baby's heart rate to drop. The doctors worried that subsequent, larger contractions would have a detrimental effect on the baby's heart, and they recommended a Caesarian section. My wife, being the trooper that she is, said let's do it. I said, "Yeah!! Let's do it!" But in the back of my mind, I feared for her.

I'd gone over this in my head. I'd imagined holding my wife's hand and weeping manly tears of joy at the sight of our new baby arriving. But the brutality of the C-section tore that image from my mind, and had me worried about my wife's health. As my wife was cut in half, I couldn't help but shed a few tears—both of joy and fear. The doctor's had set up a curtain that blocked the surgery from our view, but I could feel the pulling and pushing as I held my wife's hand. It was brutal, but also very brusque. Before I knew it, it was over. They asked if I wanted to watch as the baby was taken from the womb, but I was afraid of seeing my wife in that condition, so I declined. I just stayed with her, holding her hand and talking with her as the doctors finished. I was amazingly surprised by how much watching my wife give birth affected me: simply put, I felt an intense love, awe, and admiration for her.

Alexis Isabella is barely a week old now, and I am still learning about what it means to be a dad. I've learned that having a newborn ruins your sleep, and that this is a fundamental truth of parenthood that is impossible to prepare for. I've learned again that change happens, and so does fear, but I have found that the extent of that change is partly in your hands.

Being a father (though I am pretty new at this) has definitely changed the way I feel about the world, and about my wife. For her, I feel a greater respect and love because what she did was amazing. I was there just as an "onlooker", while she did all the work. I would tell fathers-to-be that the fear of parenthood is much worse than parenthood itself. When you are waiting for the baby, you can see all the things that are going to change, but you cannot imagine the new things that will arrive. And when your baby finally arrives, somehow you find strength within you that you thought you didn't have. You find strength to bear the changes and the fear.

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