Listening will make you and your relationships stronger. A few months ago I asked my wife one question. Honey, what can I do to be a better husband for you? Her answer shocked me. She said, "I want you to stop judging me?"
First, I didn’t know I was doing such thing, and second, I wasn’t sure how I was judging her.
After a few more questions to clarify the thought, it turns out that the reason she thought I was judging her was because I was not “listening”, that is the way she put it.
How often have you heard these statements? "You're not listening!"... "Can you please let me finish?"... "If you only let me, I'll tell you!"... "That is not what I said!"… It turns out that I have heard these in more than one occasion. Then I understood, I wasn’t truly listening to her. I was thinking of what to do about “her” problem and immediately offered “solutions”. In her mind, the problem was much deeper; she thought I was judging her.
Additionally, I also noticed that I was a “faker”, I pretended to listen and mumble, “aha”, or “really?” when I was actually staring a computer screen or my phone. I guess nothing communicates a lack or caring more than continuing to stare at your phone. It says, “You are not as important to me as checking my Facebook or this stupid quiz I am taking”
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In my consulting work I have taught people an Active Listening technique. It helps you to get complete and accurate information exchange, but more importantly it will help you pay attention to the other person’s emotional state. If you acknowledge emotions, as well as respond to intellect, you will be a much more effective listener. If it works for executives, it should work for me too.
In its simplest form, you restate what you hear; using a mix of your partners words and yours to say back what you heard. Using her words will show that you listened; using your words will show that you understood. But anything that shows that you are tuned and paying attention is fine. The goal is for your partner to feel heard and understood.
You may think, "What is so important about listening? I listen!" Sure you do, but how? Learn to listen “beyond the words”, with your heart as well as your ears. Since that conversation took place a few months ago, I tried to do this as much as I can. A few days ago, after a conversation, I asked my wife, “Do you feel that I am listening to you now?” She said, "Today you listened as if it was really important to you. And that makes me feel good!"
Listening makes you stronger by making your relationships stronger. Understanding what the other person is trying to say will reinforce the belief that you care and that they are important to you. That definitely will make any relationship stronger.
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