It's been nearly 6 months since my husband, Sean, was diagnosed with cancer. It sounds scary to say it like that—more real, somehow—but to be honest, the reality of it has not consumed our everyday lives as we originally thought it would. It’s only prominent in my mind today because of a recent conversation with a co-worker where I rehashed all the ugly details.
If you were to ask us a year ago, two years ago, five years ago, what it would be like if one of us were diagnosed with cancer, I think we probably would've given a terrified answer. Back then it still seemed impossible. That kind of thing happened to other people, not to us. It was too hard to conceive of. And what we did conceive of was a dark, unknown fear. Imagining being diagnosed with cancer was Sean's number one fear, I knew that. And I never liked the idea very much myself. I’d lost my grandfather to it, and I always said it was the one way I didn’t want to go.
But if you'd suggested then that one day we would face a diagnosis of cancer, deal with it, decide against the traditional method of treatment, and go on with our lives almost as if nothing had ever changed, I would say you were crazy. I would have imagined that such a thing would change our lives in every way.
While it’d be untrue to say that nothing has changed, we haven't changed as people. More than anything else, Sean’s diagnosis has pushed us harder in the direction of our goals.
Take Sean for example. He's running more than he ever has in his entire life. He just signed up for a 50-mile race in the Marin Headlands. He's running 15 to 20 miles on a regular basis, sometimes for training, and sometimes to help out for other races, like trail marking or trail sweeping. And he’s really enjoying it! I think it’s safe to say his joy of running and being part of the ultra community here in Tahoe has consumed him more than his diagnosis.
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I know it would be unfair to say that Sean doesn’t think about it at all. I’m sure the reality of it crushes down on him when he least expects it. But I also know that a very large part of him truly believes he is healthier now, and that he’s been given a new beginning.
The other day we were talking about how this reality, having to live with the possibility of his cancer returning, will not last forever. After five years of annual tests, if everything comes back clear, he’ll be deemed cancer free. Here we are in the fist year, I reminded him, so only four more to go. And we both know how quickly four years can go by.
I suggested that maybe this thing, this tumor, was a relic of his old life. It grew from those days he’d sit at his desk stressed about his manager or his coworkers or his job. That part of his life is over, its burdens removed with the tumor.
Now he is free to dive headfirst into his new life, and I like to believe that it’ll be a life free of cancer. If not, then we’ll deal with it, because now we know we are capable.
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