There are a lot of people in this world who feel the need to prop themselves up by making others feel small. It's not always clear what motivates these people, but I find that more often than not, their behavior is a direct result of their own struggles to cope with difficult emotions, like stress, anxiety, and insecurity. Some are motivated by less admirable interests, like anonymity or a sense of entitlement.
I was recently the target of someone possessed of one of the latter motivations. I published a blog post on my business blog at velasconsulting.com, and I shared it on LinkedIn so people could read it and offer feedback. Well, this individual offered his feedback, all right, but it wasn't the constructive kind. In fact, it was downright rude. Once I learned who this person was, I understood where his motivation came from. He calls himself the "#1 Leadership Coach," and his sense of entitlement gave him the right to attack someone else by belittling them and calling their work stupid, and lazy. Not exactly leadership qualities, if you ask me, and I don't think you'd find this behavior recommended in any leadership manual.
But that's just it. People act the way they do for whatever reasons, sometimes without even knowing they're doing it. I once had a coworker who was a great friend and collaborator. Somehow I fell out of trust with her, and I soon learned that she treated her friends a whole lot better than her enemies. She would constantly challenge and belittle me, until I made a point of avoiding her. Even though I knew that, unlike the entitled leadership coach, her actions were motivated by anxiety and insecurity, I still didn't want to be around her negative energy. I don't like mean people, and I don't like conflict, so the best move for me was to steer clear.
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How do I avoid being rude and mean? I approach it the same way I approach running: by being self-aware. When I run, I am aware of how my body is feeling. When I coach people to run, I ask them to run without music in the beginning and to listen to their bodies instead. In running, as with any behavior, it’s very easy to fall into the habit of doing things the way we’ve always done them, regardless of the consequences on our bodies or on others. I believe that it’s important to be aware of how our bodies feel in order to make sure we’re not hurting ourselves. In the same way, if we become aware of how our actions affect others, we can adjust our behavior to elicit minimum damage and maximum positive effect.
Whether it’s running or how we treat others, it all starts with self-awareness. Even though it’s probably one of the least discussed leadership competencies, self-awareness is possibly one of the most valuable. Self-awareness is being conscious of what you're good at while acknowledging what you still have yet to learn. This includes admitting when you don't have the answer, owning up to our mistakes, and knowing the effect of our actions on others.
I do believe that there is a reason for the existence of everybody on this planet. Mean people exist in order to teach the rest of us how not to behave. Be self-aware and treat others with kindness. You’ll go through life a happier person, and your fellow man (and woman) will thank you!
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