Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality .
-John Gardner
A few months ago I was introduced to a person, the individual that introduced us did it in a way to highlight something we both had in common, we both had had brain surgery. We both grabbed that commonality to start our conversation, of course, we had to ask each other the usual questions. How many surgeries have you had? Where were you treated? Who was your Doctor? Where is the tumor located? During the rest of the initial meeting we talked about pretty much nothing else, and we both had a great time recounting the hard times and the changes we had to made to cope with the “Bleeping tumor” as he called. We parted ways with the promise to keep in touch.
During the weeks that follow we exchanged several emails and a few phone calls and in every conversation, in every email, in every interaction, he wouldn’t stop talking about the “bleeping tumor”, and how hard his life was. Although doctors have given him now a clean bill of health and he is tumor free, it appeared to me that his situation was the "thing" his life revolved around. And I told him more than once, man I wish many of us could get that kind of news. Some of us will never be tumor free.
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Self-pity is a defense mechanism, but it also very destructive and, I believe, is rooted in fear. The fear that we can’t move forward, and we use self-pity as the easiest excuse for not taking action. As long as we feel sorry for ourselves, we can delay any actions that might bring us face to face with our fears and move forward. It is like when we talk about our “misfortunes,” it justifies why we shouldn’t do anything go make our situation better.
This friend of mine seemed to use self-pity as a way to get attention. It might result in some gentle words from your buddies, but that gets old really fast. What was fascinating to me is that initially, our conversation turned into a competition, who had it worst, I let him win.
At one point or another in life, we all experience sadness, pain, and sorrow. Sadness is an emotion we should not avoid, but dwelling on misfortune is self-destructive. But we can do something about it, be grateful for the lessons learned.
Don’t waste your time feeling sorry for yourself; it will lead to more negative emotions; anger, resentment, jealousy. When you are feeling sorry for yourself, you are giving yourself permission to fail, and you will. And most importantly, it causes you not to pay attention to the positive that is happening in your life. Read this article about how to move forward.
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