A few weeks ago I was asked by a client of mine about sharing the fact that she was a brain cancer survivor to her potential employee. She was told, by many, that she shouldn’t. She was told that it might show her how vulnerable she is and that the potential employer might think of that as a weakness.
I remember when I was diagnosed with a brain tumor, and I had the same dilemma, should I tell people about it, or should I not?. When I divorced my first wife, years ago, it took me a long time to finally be open with friends and strangers about the fact that I had gotten divorced, I was ashamed. When I couldn’t do my job as a researcher anymore because of my brain surgery, I felt horrible and ashamed. In fact, I stop talking to some of my dear friends because I was embarrassed to tell them that I failed at my marriage and my career.
At the time I always thought that being vulnerable was being weak, that becoming vulnerable was a different way to ask for sympathy. And that is what most people think, being vulnerable is a weakness. Well, I changed my mind (I am allowed right?), I think that being vulnerable is the highest level of being courageous, you are taking risks.
When we are ashamed of something we have done or failed to do, we tend to hide it and pretend that it didn’t happen. It makes us vulnerable and ashamed, but shame is simply another way to say I am afraid, I am afraid of what you might think of me. And that is when courage comes in when you are vulnerable and use your vulnerability and shame as a learning experience, as a stepping stone, as a source of inspiration, it becomes courage.
One thing I learned over the years, people don’t understand what you are going thru, they might think they do, but they don’t. They might point the finger at you and criticize you and think of a million things that you could have done differently. But the reality is, the credit goes to the “man in the arena” you. Soon I realize that if I tell my story again, and again, I got more courageous and more comfortable. It also helped me realize that my story, was somewhat inspirational. And then all made sense; now I understood how the gang member became a coach for youth at risk, or how the person convicted of drunk driving became an inspirational speaker against drunk driving. Our shame, our vulnerability became courage.
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When you go through a trauma or a “shameful” event in your life, you can easily feel isolated and ashamed and vulnerable. But when you find the courage to share your story, you soon find out that you are not alone. When you share your story, your vulnerability and shame will no longer leave you feeling small and powerless, but powerful and courageous.
What are you ashamed of?
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