What if there were a better way to communicate—a method that allowed us to eliminate the fear, bad feelings, and resentment that we associate with conflict and confrontation?
Sharon Strand Ellison, Founder and Executive Director of the Institute for Powerful Non-Defensive Communication, and author of the book Taking the War Out of Our Words, has devised such a method.
In her book, and throughout her keynote talks and workshops, Sharon describes a method of listening and speaking entirely different from the one that most of us are used to. She argues that traditional methods of communication are based on the rules of war: defensiveness, self-protection, and power-struggle. When we are faced with conflict or confrontation, our need for self-preservation triggers an emotional response that causes us to respond and behave in irrational ways that we probably wouldn't otherwise. We get defensive, interrupt, lash out, attempt to gain the upper hand. Most of us don't even know we're doing it, but we feel pretty horrible afterwards.
Sharon likens our typical defensive responses in communication to three categories of defense in war: surrender, withdrawal, and counterattack, arguing that there are both passive and aggressive responses for each of these categories. (see Six Defensive Modes audio sample under "Types of Defensive Maneuvers")
Through changing our key attitudes and shifting the ways in which we communicate—through our intentions and our tone—Sharon's method eliminates our need for self-protection, control, and power. Instead of protecting ourselves from attack by hiding our weaknesses, we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Instead of hiding our strengths for fear of losing our advantage, we strive to always be honest.
Sharon's advice touched home with me because I happen to be a person who struggles with defensiveness, and with protecting myself from emotional harm. I grew up valuing independence and personal strength—both good qualities to have, but qualities that also led me to build up a wall around myself and my emotions. For me, this defensive wall shows up as the "Surrender-sabotage", or passive-aggressive, form of defensive communication, where I tend to hide my frustration from someone who has upset me, only to complain or gossip about them to others.
Sharon's method is not about getting others to drop their defenses, not directly, anyway. By focusing on ourselves and communicating with clarity, confidence, and honesty, we create an environment in which others feel comfortable letting down their defenses. The fact that Sharon's method of communication is disarming is just an added bonus.
There is a better way to communicate, and Sharon's method gives us the tools—and the awareness—we need to start using it to build stronger relationships.
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If you want to take a stab at learning your own forms of defensive communication—and how to change them—check out Sharon's web site. It's full of audio samples and introductions to the research she is doing, as well as links to talks she has done and her book.
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